Most of you will read this and be aghast. Some might be terrified, horrified, and even traumatized by the words. The shame of suicide means that even when we talk about it we try to evade, dissuade, distract, and somehow avoid the cold hard truth. That it comes to all of us. And only a handful have the opportunity to control and decide their final outcome. The rest of us either revel in our lives and love them so much that we never want to die, or, like myself, are cowards who don't know why they pull back. I don't know what keeps me from that final leap. What stops me from holding my hand to the fire. But it makes me ashamed. Ashamed that I think about it. Ashamed that I lack the conviction to go through with it. Ashamed to tell anyone that I wish I wasn't so afraid. Ashamed to tell people that I want to die. And don't. And those that have never been there can't possibly understand. What it means ...